City of Vesper

hey stranger

2006-08-23T10:58:00.000+08:00

i am doing mufy.
i am restarting all over.
i am not gonna whine and rant about screwing my stpm.

here i am, after much frustrating and imsomniac nights. but i wish to leave that all in the dark. no point bringing all the woes up again. i guess im actually enjoying it fairly well despite surrounded by juniors. im somewhat compelled to strive harder then them. it just doesnt fit to see them better then me! (although age should not be made into a classification) the 'kiasu' in me is indeed welling up. who is there to blame but the fault of our own? this time, its all work and no play for jane doe...

that forever were perhaps just as eternal,
that eternal is perhaps just as surreal
and as reality disquises,
we have none the means to realize.

as of now, even i am a stranger to myself...

unpretentious pretence

2006-01-20T01:15:00.000+08:00

faux

i've done something which i can loathe and disgust upon later on in life.

i've come upon much wonderations on how can i hate one and stil live in their shadows, lending them a shoulder, giggling with them a secret.

i feel so very much like a back stabbing biatch-which i believe i am-
but can i be considerd one? since i keep all this woes and foe to myself? then again, i was never a white washed angel

2006-01-10T19:29:00.000+08:00

sunset in the midst of nowhere

i lost....

2005-12-15T00:11:00.000+08:00

i believe i heart someone for a very long time now......i just didnt realize it till now.

finally woken

2005-11-29T19:00:00.000+08:00

after a drive on the highway on a manual, im back to normal.

*sheesh*

im such a moody gal. think my eq sucks over the hols or perhaps it just sucks all this long without me noticing it in the first place. which is so not surprising.

may be back to normal, but its still a long way to reach my childhood simplicity. then again, didnt everyone say we should be looking forward instead of regressing into the past? man, im beginning to debate with this inner conscience of mine in my head.

fret that one day when i would end up a schizo in a psychiatric ward.

sober

2005-11-26T20:00:00.000+08:00

"Lamp post in the absence of Moon
Strangers in the midst of confusion
And where do I stand the day after?"

I'm still sobering up to whatever happened last night. Still living in the midst of confusion.

You know what, irony still rules my life alongside procrastination.

I've been pondering long enough on this question till last night when the answer came to me.
Long as I had waited for it, it screwed my head from the moment I heard it. But heck! Who's to notice. None of us was conscious enough to realize that. I admit though there were moments when I really felt euphoric.

Like the time when the trees seems to go round and round and just woulnt stop.
Like the time when I cant hold my head up any longer and slammed the bonnet.
Like the time we sat against the car crapping away.

Kept asking myself, "Why did I do this again?"

Could never really answer myself.

Fuck the goddamn night! and fuck the goddamn sin!

A Mid-Autumn night to remember

2005-09-15T14:31:00.000+08:00

origin of tales

2005-09-15T14:30:00.000+08:00

setting of the night

2005-09-15T14:29:00.000+08:00

the culprits

2005-09-15T14:28:00.000+08:00

ambershined femme

2005-09-15T14:27:00.000+08:00

midnight scavengers

Bittersweet strange

2005-08-30T16:06:00.000+08:00

the grey matter

time had not been allocated for my virtual city these days. maybe its the trials. maybe its the emptiness that surrounds. maybe its just me.

*its a blank world after all*

blank as it may be, there's so much need of reassurance by almost everybody!
-look, im so UGLY!!
of course your not
-no, really. see my big/fat/small/crooked [any part of the anatomy]
it looks perfectly fine. reallly...

answering obviously do not solves the dilemma.
"you're just saying that to make me feel good, you guys are afraid to be honest"

*balancing self*
to tell you to truth, you look presentable, anything but ugly, lil' plain jane but what the heck! it's the tenth time im answering this honey!!!

let it rest now will ya?
____________________________________________________________________________________

stranger when you think you know a person a good loads only to be surprised a truckload.

i may not have meet many people as the rest of my gals, but those that i had..they're the bittersweet strange.

just like a strange small exquisite box. plenty of charms and promises many fun. with perfection filed to surrealism, that is when the doubt settles. slowly you discover the cheap plastic stones you once think was swarvoski, the nylon lace that played satin..then, its just as any ordinary box of gift. perhaps, they have a lil advantage of appearing elaborate and their manner of presentment are such that they takes the breath out of your lungs. .

another comes as the matryoshka; a Russian doll with a smaller version within it. i glance through and felt able to read it as an open book. than i found a think line. Oh! i can open it? *voila* there's a smaller version in it. a smaller different version. just like a small hidden quality in a person. lying there till you stumbles upon it one day. its adorable to find a pretty doll, the shock when you opens a menacing ugly creature! *please be reminded, some matryoshka can hold up to ten dolls. .

Folks of the town.

Olivaceous sanctum

2005-08-11T14:57:00.000+08:00

licorice and chocolate fudge

On ebony throne of indulgence,
My bloodied heart of yesteryears bleed,
Once again the crimcon panacea flows,
Flow relentlessly downstream the stoned path pf mundane days.
We recalled the monochromes of childhood,
Untainted as the sweet smiles on lips of eternal children.
In scenes of black and white,
We never grow up, We never grow old.
We are still the small angels of Day.
Oh how wishful had the night become,
Upon the flooding back of embeeded times.
We yearned the sinless period in life.
And the fairytale potrait painted of merry carousels.
Here I stood on opposite ground
With no poignant moments and delicate frocks to flaunt.
I am the dull and numb carcass,
Devoid of emotion and compassion long faded,
Gnawed by repertoire of mistakes.
Leafs of yellowed childhood, my gems.
Squares of dulled teens, my reminder,
And blanks of tomorrow, my unwritten road.

Like the coming winter and going of autumn,
My olivaceous sanctum grew.

Ra

2005-06-30T17:38:00.000+08:00

Reminisence is all i ever did these days... Even the busy-ness of school and the hectic schedule is alive with all those looking back.. Perhaps we're aging. i never thought i would recall those kiddie times i tuck far behind my head.

"le temps est inaperçu haut contagieux"
-time is catching up, unnoticed-

1. iris: this skirt is tight and im bloated. remember last time in convent...
-yeah, remember last time in convent when we ran about the school with our zipper three quarter its way down to a super 'flash-zone'. in the dark classes, the open canteen, anywhere but the staff room and definately not in front of pn Rahimah!*Grins*

2. *squirts* parfum onto a strip of paper and wiggles it down my nose...
- and i believe i smell my lost scent! oOoohH, i think i can see the snow white murals and bambi-doe-eyes staring back at my six-year old body now..

3. infinite stolen humdrum minutes for snorts and..
- i'll lean back and start seeing my kiddo mock-wedding dress i soooooo loved. that lacey chiffon and yellow ribbons. still loved it though it itched like hell. and i stopped to browse through the times when st. mark is like a foreign fairyland for charming boys and blushing girls. yes, those childhood where cartoons leap out from walls and talk back to you. couldnt brush aside my lil' book paradise either. enid blyton and rhymes rules!

and how, may i know, that most childhoods are sugar malt sweet. often the paradise of adults, yearnings of teens with grunge! moi...

they're wishing to grow up and here i am, waiting for science to finally says, "You are now able to reverse your biological clock!!!"
yes, i am waiting. in the mean time, i'll just grow up i guess.
do what other biggies do. -work-

*i just realized im a phobic of (__) and (__)*
the blanks are for my own reference. .

curtains down...

wat's up doc?

2005-06-16T16:40:00.000+08:00

If you're thinking bugs bunny, think again mate.

today was rat-dissection-day. oh yeah, the much anticipated day. . it was great initially till it was reduce to a bore when the intestine and stomach would not budge.

i was so eager to start on that i couldnt be bothered with the mask. not that Pn Ooi insisted on the mask. i thought it was only to ease the 'stink'. weird, i smell nothing. only three-quarter through the process that she mentioned, the mask was to prevent us from inhaling the toxic formaldehyde vapour. one heck of an information that one. by now, i am so frust my rat's tangled colons and the kidney who's playing hide-and-seek. so i went on without the mask.

Jol couldnt stand tht smell and donned her mask. *she almost sounded like darth vader*

by the end of the period, i was suffering from a pounding headache, nauseating urge and a nasty mood. it never came across me that it may be the effect of the abundantly inhaled formaldehyde, till jol complained
"i feel drowsy! stupid formalin!!"
then, i realized, it was tht.

thank god it lasted only for like, 3 hours? im healthy and merry now, and with a voracious appetite even. (despite the constant flashing of heaps of colon and the interstitial fluid of the rat. oh yeah, my hand still stinks of the latex glove used.)

how i wished i had brought a camera to school. then i can show the world ten thousand reasons not to seek me for medical aid in the future. *smirks*

the average teen. . we dare the risk for all stupid reasons we cant even reason with. like the last time when my headache got so bad that i, for the adrenaline rush of Death, swallowed a bunch of Zyrtec. (seven maybe?) thank god i suffered only headaches. nothing severe. stupid kid. but the knowing you could die was great! pictures of possible situation came across my mind. was hoping to create quite a scene. *i forgot the fact that shuan had not gone to russia, or else i wouldnt had done it*

-sigh-
when would be the day i grow up now...

Meridien Nights

2005-06-16T16:34:00.000+08:00

quads

2005-06-16T16:27:00.001+08:00

timezone

2005-06-16T16:27:00.000+08:00

meridien time

2005-06-16T16:25:00.000+08:00

telliephone

Highland Tales

2005-06-12T19:02:00.000+08:00

So, after two and the half hours of on the road, we finally reach Cameron. Bunching up my sweater and eager to taste the chill of the highland, I was HIGHLY disappointed. The weather out there was just as normal as Taiping. Okay, maybe a lil' less warm. But that's all. I traced my buried memories of my previous Cameron's trip. I fairly remember shivering and being wrapped up like a 'chang' by my mom. Apparently, either the temperature had rose or I think I'm used to my air-cond.

Well, at least I know I'm on a highland, minus the chill.

Settling down for lunch, its time for some 'checking out'. Man, the amount of caucasians and hunks! *ahems* pardon me.. Anyway, there was 2 elderly couples, European maybe, sitting across us. There was nothing peculiar about them. .until the soup arrives!

My uncle was directly across them. He was staring intently at the scenario taking place. Here's an account of what happened:

Waiter brings in their orders-soups.
Waiter: Here's your soup.
Husband 1 : (stares dumbly, alternately at waiter and soup) What the..This is soup?
Waiter : Yeah, soup. (points at soup) Soup! You ordered taufu and old cucumber soup?
Another bowl of soup came...
Wife 1: Oh my...

The two couples stare dumbly at each other...my table already erupting with laughter. Their guffaws and roaring shrieks almost made my sis and me dig a hole just to hide our face.

Apparently the husband and wife thought 'soup' in the menu were like starters in the english cuisine. Oh the horror on their face when the waiter place the 20cm in diameter bowl of liquid in front of them! I cant stop my dad from snickering, mom from peeping, aunt from slapping my back, *chokes* uncle from re-enacting the scene and brother from exclaiming loudly "AHAHAHHAH". Poor fellas. They were still drinking when we left.

A series of misunderstanding.

And I guess the rest of the hols went well. All I know is that I was constantly eating- breakfast, brunch, lunch, tea, dinner, supper. Mon Dieu, absolutely sinful, my indulgences! Nevertheless, I was happy and contented, and hell with FAT. *pardon me again*

And tomorrow's a school day. Back to my all-in-a-students-life routine. Oh yeahh.

And I shall take a break for now.

Food-Trip

2005-06-12T17:50:00.000+08:00

Let's step back to Thursday. . .

Thursday morning, ahh, another beauutiful day to laze in my bed and to not wake till noon. Right. I believe i hope too soon.

8.30am : *Beeep! 'you have received a message'
-fumbles for phone, replied msg, dunk back into the lumpy thing in front of me.

8.45am : *Beeep! 'you have received a message'
-an audible P.O.N [profanity,obscenity,nudity] element flows out. replied message.

9.00am :*Ringg Ringg. "Meiii, your phone!!"
-unbelievable. totally unbelievable...crawled out of bed, my lovely lovely bed.

9.02am : "Aaargghh!"
-I got up. Duh!

Well, perhaps my morning started roughly, and no, I did not wake on the wrong side of my bed. My bed had only one side, the other is attached to the wall. Damn.

But heck, my afternoon eating-spree was SUPERB. Went bowling with me pals then ice-cream in the new Lido followed by seafood cocktail in Nagaria and cendol opposite the road and lastly 'lok-lok' by the roadside. *breathes*

lets do that again. *grins*

Accounting so far

2005-06-07T23:30:00.000+08:00

Lets see, the tenth day of my mid term break.

Been to penang and ipoh and around town.

Met up with old pals. Meet up with missed companions. Gathered for a movie and less of a chat.

Woke up with the much of an expresso cup of enthusiasm to only forget about it in the next gush of my air-cond. *my black-forest cake still have not materialise*

Trying HARD to dream but I just cant. Sleep will not get to me. Its constant waking to the ticking of my clock. *arggh*

Abundance of time misused. To sit and regret later of it. What the heck..

Its a whole new day of holiday for me tomorrow. Mom's making 'chang'

I will WAKE tom early. I will. I will. I will.

Oh yeah!

2005-05-31T19:19:00.000+08:00

"Child, what happen to the dare-all-child in us? how had we morphed into the cowardice of adulthood?"

Was having lunch in Mcd the other day after 4 hours of lip-pressing-eye-straining-microscopic bio session. While stuffing our mouths with calories of fries, a pair of kids, barefooted ran 'round us over and over and over. Any faster they could have whirlpooled us to another dimension.

Of fascination, us four young missys stared at them. They dared jump the heights, smash to the grounds, fall and get back up and take another shot with pain.

Humpty-Dumpty and His Crumbling Wall

2005-05-27T21:42:00.000+08:00

" Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the King's horses,

And all the King's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again! "

And all the King's men, couldnt put Humpty together again. Him, and the crumbling wall he is.

The crashing of the boulders and the degradation of pride together with the fatal blows of war, even the man of steel would fall by the feet of humility.

He built the wall and the tower of isolation around his no-man's land. Towering above to skye, and encircling the parameters of seclusion, this wall of his are like keepers of a clandestine town.

But then again, mortals have often infuse curiousity in things they are not able to see. Prying into every crack and hole to peep into this mysterious world of Humpty, everyday every night. And the learned and aristocrat of the same curious mind said,

" How proud of Humpty, to claim this land his own and allow no others to trespass.Hmmph! "

What they did not see is this. This wall of Humpty is not built on arrogance or a marker of power. This very wall of Humpty is the border that secures his hidden fears and shattering nerves. His dark shadows of his past and the unwritten solitude dwells here, behind the monstrous wall of Humpty.

And wherelies His inner sanctum when the walls comes crashing down and the rush of scavengers into this Forbidden Land? Wherelies our conscience on invading the only santuary one could have? Wherelies dignity in groping at somebody else's favourite baby pillow?? [cliche]

We are all entitled this inner sanctum as the one Humpty build. One where we breed all of our ideas, nurture bruised pride and plant the seed of trust. Spare Humpty his private solitude. Then again, would it be too late now that the walls had been reduced to rubbles and dust?

Asylum seeker.

It

2005-05-20T22:35:00.000+08:00

in the midst of civilisation

"i would kick a stone and see where it would run to,
just as i waits on Day, see where it would lead me."

see the picture. can you spot me? no, i dont think you can.

i am not in the picture.

im atop the lifeguard chair, saving myself from the ravenous It. It is hidden among the mass of holiday's crowd. It is snatching everything i hold. It is pointing to all my minor flaw in grammar. It is repeating all my words and take it as Its own. It is drowning me in the sea so she could stay afloat. It is trashing me around so much that i ran up this high-chair just to escape her. It is getting too much, too selfish and self indulgent.

i am going to taste solitude now. before It comes running after me again.

au revoir, people at the beach and all you happy holiday-makers

Blue Monday

2005-05-18T15:24:00.000+08:00

Today's menu

Appetizer
mild fever accompanied by mild headache served with a mild backache

Main course
throbbing head in strong essence of whole body soreness and the bold flavour of swollen throat

Dessert
subdued fever and soreness with more-than-a-little hint of sore throat

Ahh, the perfect Blue Monday!
*this menu was due two days ago. Due to unforseen circumstances, it was delayed*
Todays menu is all bright and cheery, but the proceedings would be a silent one though. We still encounter technical problems with our P.A system

Thank you.

Curious Incident of The Dog in The Day Time

2005-05-16T19:52:00.000+08:00

it was by chance that i got to drive my dad's manual car to fetch my brother from school. *mom had some rescue mission to attend to*

so my sis tagged along as well and we were on our merry way to fetch my brother. i did not see the many unfortunate series coming by though. lets, see...

1. View was blocked by this gargantuan truck at a junction. couldnt see the oncoming car. road not wide enough to take a peek.
2. My fantastic dad did not bother to refill the petrol tank. I was VERY cautious with my acceleration. -with compliments of my 'powderful' clutch control, my car suffered numerous lull on the road..- ah, the humiliation!

And this is the BEST among all unfortunate events.

3. A dog decided to play hop-frog with me on the road.

After picking my brother from home, i thought it would be home sweet home at last. Nopes! World is bored today as well. with no traffic lights, it was indeed a relaxing drive after all that breakdowns. *i live atop a hill, mind you*
towards the climax of the hill, this happy-go-lucky black and white dog which i think is smiling came into view. was on fourth gear you see, had to change to third as i slow down, hoping it would cross the road. *everything in the World must be bored today*
Dog hoped into my lane, then hoped back to the opposite..undecided. i got reaall slow as it seemed to be getting to the other side already when it abruptly decided to jump back onto the road-directly in front of my car. . . no need of words. I slammed the brakes.
that was when all the @#^%@ came out from both my sis and i.

i believe the dog was thrilled. after i braked only he decided to move along - to the opposite lane, causing the oncoming car to brake like i had. this very excited dog caused me to jammed 3 cars on my lane, uphill, and 2 cars on the opposite, downhill.

he must be feeling like the king of day, having citizens like us stopping for him to cross. my, the adrenaline rush was like...whoa!!

i made it safely home. the 3 terrified humans in the car was speechless when they got out to the safety of their house.

Question: Should the car behind you is at moderately high speed, would you had risked your life, not hit the dog and get banged? Or would you had shut your eyes, move onwards to save yours instead?

to answers only we know. . .

Cheers, children of Crake.

*car behind was rather far in my case. wasnt thinking much. wouldnt had hit the dog anyway, couldnt..it was staring at me in the eyes*

A biodiversity of the chinese race.

2005-05-14T22:00:00.000+08:00

I had always been surrounded by chinese the society termed as 'ah lians' and 'ah bengs'. My daily life has often consist largely of them.

A trip to the market, an afternoon at the town supermarket, dinner at the hawker centers, and today, a visit to a chinese book fair.

Just had supper and I was getting into the car when I noticed this book fair. Also giving credit to S.H.E 'po-shi-mao' blasting loudly in the air..I went and take a peek. Mom was looking at the home decor books. I am hopeless at reading chinese books. My vocabs are very limited, but the very least, I am able to speak 3 dialects of chinese. *Im a half-ripe banana, mind you*

Stepping in the exhibition hall, I began to feel inferior. Everyone seeming so dressed up for the "book fair".
-was in a pair of hawaian printed shorts and oversized shirt and a pair of flats-
I stood in one corner. My what a myriad of colors..and PINK dominates it all. A lil flash of bling-bling here and there. A lot of flesh showing. Whoaa! Took my breath away. Even the 40+ aunty next to me is even more dressed for the ocassion. A hot halter top with some kind of netting dangling, matched wid skin tight hot pants and damn those killer heels. I am a fashion dwarf next to her.

Okay,lets leave those aunties alone. They deserve a periodical infusion of 'hotness'. So scan the crowd and let me tell you whats in right about now. Pink pleated miniskirt, pink plastic earrings, pink sneakers, and even more pink lacey top. And ohh they love those silver dangling earrings and charmbracelet even. -you know the one with teddy bears?-

Even more eye catching would be the sudden and odd positioning of pockets, slits and holes, or what I think its s'ppose to be. Amusing, plainly amusing.

Well well, a mixture of ah lians and stuck-up-western-bitches makes a wonderful world.

But there are those who fits both description. Maybe they are westernised ah lians. Heh.
I rest my case. After all, they are part and parcel of Life.

Though, some of us cant help but to blurt out 'yuck' when strike by a chick donned in gaudy pink frilly skirt and knee high black boots and all the blings-blings and plastic bracelets plus the chunky earrings and complicated hairstyles with a combo of 3 different colors. *breathes*
You're right, I should stop now.

A toast to the world of fashion. May you regain your senses soon and come out with more practical stuff, and God bless those poor animals you pluck those feathers and furs from.
-Amen-

Horror movie

2005-05-14T16:02:00.000+08:00

As you watch your life pass by.
Especially when the characters are plainly,blatantly unresponsive to your remarks.
Then, you just want to reach out for their feathered head and drown it in the water container.

Tsk Tsk..thats for thinking it's a helpless lil' chick you're playing with.

The King of Day

2005-05-12T17:13:00.000+08:00

A naked child rides bareback on a horse of white.
His head held high, his arms and legs flung out full wide,
he seems to rule his centerpoint, and gravity upholds his claim, for though he japes with silly tilts, they're just a game;
he never waivers from his course nor takes a spill from running mount to rocky earth.
The Sun draws close to judge his worth, so near it pushes Sky aside.
Audacity is nothing new, but this boy lightly takes a road that founders knights and stymies fools.
A doubtful Sun expects him downed, like others who outreached their skill,
instead the pair make daring leaps and gallop onward, faster still.
With impish grin, the boy shows off, as though he knows his path full well.
He gathers petals from the wind then twists his wrists - now flowers twine around his hands, a living crown of summer wealth.
Adept for one who looks so young, he sets it on his head and laughs.
Amused, the watching Sun approves The King of Day.

Children of Fools

2005-05-10T22:50:00.000+08:00

Where is the Moon in the still of Night?
I seek your solace in Day's boredom.
I salvage all my summed up anticipation,
To wait for your coming.
To wait and to wait and to wait,
Perhaps Solaris is keeping you from me,
And take indulgence all by himself.

As Muse fathom her mirage feelings,
In the midst of the power swirl,
One of where strangers intrude,
Breaking the veil of privacy,
Leaving all but the broken pieces of porcelain.
Here, you all had failed my perseverance,
Testing Patience then and again,
You had all failed me!

Where is Moon?
When I need to lash myself upon him.
My fingers desperately reaching for Words,
Wanting to pour it all upon him.
To watch the dribbling words
And relentless honeyed lies.
Cruel, you are cruel.

Listen here and listen clear Children of Fools,
Seek out the emptiness in your cranium,
Seek it and fill it with Common sense!
Learn the art of Life,
Not the skill in Rely.
Children of Fools, Children of Fools,
Shall mommy come and wake you up from your golden bed now?
But maybe even Mommy had not the senses,
Pity, a pity. .
Wake and see the ugly picture you've painted on me!
Wake, Children of Fools!

___________________________________________________________________

My anger today, reasons undefined.
I thought myself foolish to let someone grates my nerves.
No, she's not worthy of my emotions.
Let it rest.

-Dans la force je suis si fier de, je vis et meurs seulement pour me.-
(In strength I'm proud of, I live and die only for myself.)

watch the days go by

2005-05-09T16:00:00.000+08:00

look what I've found when I rummaged through my computer junks!
*can I do that again?*

Idealism, the keeper of sanity

2005-05-09T15:31:00.000+08:00

Home, the reflection of Dreams. Imagination, the essential in building your dreamhouse skeleton, the wooden frames and the steelwork. Layer it with determination and brick your walls with patience. Last, paint the walls with the story the World, the Sun and the Moon can tell you. Line the room borders with strips of Life and there you have it. Your eternal lair in which you seek solace in times when you need to preserve that fragile sanity and let out to World your piling emotions in that heart cavity of yours. . .I want to open doors to the Ocean and watch as Poseidon walk past the parted Red sea. I want to taste the Horizon of ember and feel its warmth. I want a tower reaching Heaven so I can see the Muses.I want doors and windows all around. I refuse to miss all the beauty of Day and Night!
I want to capture them in my breath, or seek them out through my windows.

I may live in my idealism. And they may seems to you my all. But my feet still know of ground. It is this ideal world we all have in our lil' head that make us euphoric during that lull in our lives. It's the most available sense of humour around-Idealism.

Wake.

2005-05-05T17:09:00.000+08:00

Hot, as the world it is today,
Cold, as the way my heart should be,
Dream, all I ever did today,
Fall, when I can take no more.

marble, the way my heart was said to be.

2005-05-05T16:22:00.000+08:00

-Days are slow; slow like the pendulum.
Even as you rush by, I wouln't have felt you-

Being released from school always bore the same feeling-relief. Another minute in the stuffy room I would had stand up and scream "I'M CLAUSTROPHOBIC!". 50 young adults crammed up and so many the walls of humans surround me. Even their breathing rhythm is highly disturbing; Disturbing!

I would not describe Day today. I would instead describe to you the beauty of Forgiveness. World had always taunted me in many ways as I had previously blogged. And for that, I held my piling grudge for them. . Everytime time my day falls on me, I get tired. Tired from all that hold-up and torments. Tired from holding up too much vengeance. Tired, I am tired. Even exhausting is to smile at World, pretending that no one could had been able to shatter your stone cold heart. NO ONE! When they had already done so ages ago. ARGHH! The pretentious mask of life. Bah! I am merely a rendition of other hypocrites out there. The harsh truth we often deny.

Then, we look back. I had never stop them. I had never crumbled by their feet.

And that one day I was lying on my floor, Pluie came and sung my tales. I stared long. It clicked.

A friend came to me and did his normal teasing. He waited anxiously for my counter, seeming eager to strike a match! -I had never like his sense of insensitive sarcasm- I smiled. I said

"Yes, I'm a bitch, but I'm a bloody smart bitch! You got a problem with that?" (still smiling)
" . . . . . I have offended you?"
"Yes"
"Okay, sorry. Didn't mean to."
"Forgiven" - apparently he got stuck in the 'huh?' mood-

I felt lighter. My old me would had sulked and go to my room and sulk sulk sulk! And DAMN I felt good after that. We're still close friends. I've learnt of Forgiveness and I'm eager to do it again.

Forgiveness doesn't always need acknowledgement. Perhaps it happens in our heart? Perhaps in happens in our actions? Perhaps it's just an act of deleting all those nasty thought we had of them. .Forgiveness is when you give them another chance. It always make you feel bigger to be the first to forgive.

-I like him better now-

moquerie

2005-05-03T15:37:00.000+08:00

A dog thinks : Hey, this humans I live with feed me, love me and provide me with a warm

dry house, pat me and care for me. . . THEY must be Gods!

A cat thinks : Hey, this humans I live with feed me, love me and provide mw with a warm

dry house, pat me and care for me. . . I must be God!

To wake up one day when their backs are turned on you, noses high above you and when even Solaris departs you.

Then, you know the world is at its taunting mood.

First, He lifts you high that you are God. Then, he pry his fingers open, and you, my dear, falls down hard on the frozen ground. Pride and bones in pieces.

That is how the world starts my day with- He mocks me.

And so after my Pride took a leap from the cliff, I though perhaps He gotten bored.

Then, the northern wind came-a-whisper,

"It is done..."

What is done?

"You're done..."

And so my day got sunnier..with all those sunshowers and thunderstorms, my day got sunnier.

Even as Moon came out to play, He had decided I was fun to toy with..

He drew a circle of gardenia 'round me, seducing me into touching it ; it's tendrils of sweet sweet scent wrapping, and tightening and closing onto my neck that even I, forgets to breathe.

A blink an eye, Night came out from below, shadows creeping up on me and tripped my leg.

I fell breathless, as the Moon, the Sun, the Night, the Day and the World all laughed at me.

I sat like a child, thinking, " Had I wake on the wrong side of the bed?"

le monde était courageux soutenu, non?

(the world was born fearless, no?)

To let go of Saphira . . .

2005-04-25T22:31:00.000+08:00

One of my stars died today. My sapphire lost its lustre a day after I worshipped it. The blue gem's too cold and its cut too crude to my desire.

I gave it to the wondering peddlar.It's funny. It only took a day.

I hope that wondering peddlar would find my sapphire a new owner who is worthy of it, somewhere along her journey.
She, whose journey knew no end, from her home to where the wind would take her...
Perhaps I'll meet with you one day again?

Goodbye, saphira.

Half of Friend spells Foe

2005-04-23T22:25:00.000+08:00

Friends and Foes

Peer into here. and you will find the silver thread that seperates both. You know them both. You hate them both. Yes, you hate them both.

Friend, in all, are humans. Can they provide you their whole love and attention for you? No. Not even I can do so. We are all selfish being. We have to be.

Foe, yes, you loathed them. But are they not your friends now? *tsk*tsk . The irony of human entangled web, wherein a tug is all I need to pull you free.

Friends foes alike, they are all indefinite. Friends today, not tomorrow. Remember green envy and black selfishness and oh that golden greed? It had so many times intervene between our lines;

"Don't try to act cute!"

Huh? Come again...

"Mei, you're so annoying lah"

in that cloyingly sweet voice, smiling even.Oh the horror!

"Can I sit there instead?"

Already her books is where you're sitting. Thanks for letting me choose.

"Thanks for being such a WONDERFUL friend!"

Graciously smiling! Did I hear my heart thump in my guts? If only you knew how much you annoys me with all that pretence...

And that oh-so-familiar-line...

"Mei arr, can you please...I...oh my god! I love you!..."

I felt so used. Can I say no now? Had I ever?? Hrmm..

Oh yeah, and the newest addition which very much grates my nerves. my goddamn fucking nerves!!!

"WHAT!! YOU MEAN YOU DID NOT BUY IT FOR ME?!? SO YOU GOT IT FOR YOURSELF? CISS! BEDEBAH..ISSHKK...How much you got it for? Cheap arr?

*blink *blink, even if I blink a thousand times, it still sticks to my head. Imagine that. All the swirl of green, black and gold.

I believe it spells more muck than magic.

Really, which idiot would stand up to that?

*hands raised* Yes, I would. Call me an idiot. Already, I see "IDIOT" flashing on my forehead.

Then again, the value of friendship grows from that. More spices and bitterness adds on the taste, aye~ Muck now, magic later...

-I wonder how long would it take?-

* * * *

So we wait on the stew to boil. What about instant noodles? Leave it any longer, it'll drain all the soup and get fluffed up and soggy. Urggh! (how well had I described her..)

She was like the wildflower among the gardenias, lilies and frishias. Forever, she seemed to have been endemic in our lives. She had always been there, till the cometh of May showers. And *Bloom.. she's everywhere. She's everywhere, she's all over me, she's all over us. Mind you, its a 'Either-me-or-you' business. uhuh, I am so amazed.

And so she *suck *suck *suck all the gardener's attention, suck up all the tourist's view. We, gardenias and all, are hidden behind her. -My, isn't that an angry lily?-

Now did I tell you how she flirted excessively with the buzzing bees and handsome beetles? Of course I need not. We can see with Eyes. Us, flowers as she is, lay forsaken...

Yeah, go to them beetles and bees. May they pollinate you and breed you all over the globe.

=Wildflower provides a cheaper alternative to consumers and therefore, boost the economy. So, let us not disrupt their breeding. After all, they fill spaces in our garden, where nothing else would grow.=

And so, we are left with the few gems of our friends community.

(Like I said, friends and foes are alike. So join the group mate!)

A piece of silver. A piece of amber. A piece of ruby and A piece of sapphire.

My gleaming silver and warm amber and fiery ruby and icy sapphire. How well of you to be there and not know it. Breed of different elements, you had all feed my lust of friendship.

But had I done you so?

I do not know...

*Times up. I'm wrapping you up for another day*

Of Robbed Soul,

2005-04-23T21:33:00.000+08:00

our grey picture

The world we often thought Utopia,
Reveals itself the greyest path in disguise of the rainbow.
How's the sky blue so?
How do we draw blue?
Why blue, the blue of lapis lazuli?
Why is green not blue, and blue not green?
Questions Questions we ask no one,
For we see the forthcoming smirks and grins..
Like the wind for instant,
Never constant, but ever ever changing.
To the left, and to the right,
One minute you whispers, next minute you're shouting!
Why oh Why do you taunt me so?? You push and you tug my torn sleeves.
I am like a doll placed in the eye of the storm,
So still the night that I beg you to touch and rob me of my Reasons and Senses.
Am I such to you? Northern Wind you...
Bearer of frost and still days to come. .
You claim the sun and all that is mine,
Whereas, are you worthy ?
My languish never perish, beneath the worship of Reflection.
Reflection of the Nothern Wind.
"All aristocrats, hear me out, HAIL me up!" I hear you say,
I shook. I shook.
Despite the comfort you bring to the scorching Sahara,
the warmest of Solaris cannot hide you, proud Wind of the North.

that dog

2005-04-13T16:17:00.000+08:00

the dog, selling at USD 24.99

imagine, one single stroke of continuous line, forming a simple abstract image-and to be sold for USD 24.99.
How rich the simple mind can be.

To laugh at trivial matter occuring daily can be very fun indeed. For example,

1. I laughed at my class BFG (big friendly giant) today, when he came up to write on the board. i stared at him rubbing off his inperfect 'a' and 'd' and 't'...rewriting them in such meticulous manner. such adoration!
2. Then, a bald bird same by the window. another row of laughter follow suit. Are we the only two laughing in class? *sigh*
3. And when we started calling each other the direct translation of our chinese name, again we crack up. * I am plum intelligent plum blossom* how more beautiful my name can be?

Al these petty humour in school, they are my Viagra! If not, 10 times more stronger than tht blue pill itself.

Princess of Strawberryland

2005-04-12T21:36:00.000+08:00

Princess of Strawberryland

Strawberry, strawberry,
Oh my scarlet, luscious, precious gems of summer.
I lust your red red fruit,
And I drown in your sweet sweet scent.
And those bloody stains you left behind,
Ah, those delicious memoir.
Oh! how I love strawberries.

Strawberry , strawberry
Ah those ruby field of joy,
I am so infatuated with you!
When I walk through my treasury,
I find you in every nook and cranny.
There goes my crimson tide,
Oh! how I love strawberries.

Strawberry, strawberry,
Hear me , your Princess,
Gather your sugar sickness
And sensual giddiness,
And come ye' all to ME!

a piece of satisfaction

2005-04-10T23:09:00.000+08:00

*grins, i cant stop grinning, my grin seems to plaster itself on my face. grin. grin. grin.*

<:

mom gave up after i bugged her to let me take the car to town. *GRINS* and so, me and jol went for an adventure ride. Aah! what a sense of accomplishment!

i see a bright future now.

*GRINS*

please, somebody stop me!

SMILE

2005-04-10T15:32:00.000+08:00

to repent for you sins,

1. make up to those you had sinned ( silently, i am to shy and i was never taught on how to conduct it)

2. change your daily habit ( to suit her wishes, even if it meant to eat a double dose of lunch, to show appreciation of her effort- i think my tummy is yelling for me to throw up)

3. eat more chocolate (when the stuffing f session is over, to calm your nerves and helps in enduring your repentance)

4. have a shot of whisky (under major situation, which requires direct confrontation to solve issues-it expands your guts to desired effect, truly)

*with all that extra lunch and dinner, im gonna do squash later...-groann- the price of repentance. a lesson well learnt*

if all the above failed, here's a super remedy..
-let your tear glands flow freely and take blame for all sins. add a dose of 'great act' and sincerity to melt those stone hearts. get on your knees and smack yourself hard for sinning (banging your head on walls requires practice). do not overdo it though as the result might be to good to be true.
-caution* though, individuals with ego and stiff emotions are not advised to comply with this method. its effect on oneself is destructive.

sinners, we all are

2005-04-10T15:04:00.000+08:00

after a pleuvoir, i realized how had i sinned from the first step i took in life. i've sinned my mom, i've sinned my dad and i've sinned my life. how had i sinned, i do not know. when had i sinned, i think that makes eternity.

when grandmere came up to me and say "我心爱的孙女.." , my face beamed with honor.

when i look back into those days, i ask myself now, do i really deserve all that? all those aunts and uncles coming up to my mother saying, "what a beautiful and sweet daughter you have.." pinching my crimson cheeks.

we grew, as we taste the bitterness of self realization, that i am after all not that sweet and beautiful me. my sweet grapes are now, fermented by time and exhaustion, sour and wrinkled. why lament on the changes when it was i that willed it?

was it not the April showers that bring May flowers?
-we are the consequence of what we were yesterday-

*pleuvoir, raining, as the french called it*

rhapsody of the heart

2005-04-09T16:40:00.000+08:00

i grew,
when it's harder to say sorry,
when im too cold to feel guilt.

i cry,
when i go numb with words,
when my mind picture you down.

i wonder,
if a word can save me,
if a gesture can save you.

and i wonder....

morning sickness

2005-04-08T21:38:00.000+08:00

*morning sickness- im a sufferer for quite some time now. almost every morning...

*Crap- had a great brainstorming session in chem.

*morning sickness worsened to consistent brain cramps. argghh! poor soul..

* i eased morning sickness with a double dose of house building and ice-cream making...(please refer to my proposal)

*foot stomping session is no fun

fleur in springtime

2005-04-05T21:43:00.000+08:00

creme, my gardenia infatuation~
seek me

Mellowdrama, a re-enacted series

2005-04-04T15:59:00.000+08:00

drama by the muse's team: Mellowdrama

scene 1:
(tiny tot was confronted by pissed girl )
pissed girl: why wasn't us peasants be told about the princess's arrangement? even as our every
penny is used as well?

tiny tot : (dumbfounded, getting warmer by the second) I did tell you last week did i not? and was it
not you who agreed happily? you can choose not to be a part of it if u want!!

pissed girl: (runs to muse and bubbling femme) tiny tot is really pissing me off. let us break off

bubbling femme: yes. lets do. i cant stand her anymore either. tiny tot has my patience
tested way beyond my limits.

muse : so let us break then.

scene 2:
(Preacher enters the chamber and silenced the stage. after her speech, when all actresses almost fell asleep, tiny tot faces the middlemen which is muse and bubbling femme)

tiny tot : why is pissed girl pissed? what is this all about? what is it she is unhappy about?

bubbling femme: well, you see.....blablablab-

tiny tot : NO! i blablablablabla, she too agreed blablablabla...whts her f****ing problem?

(tiny tot's eyes welled up with tears. muse cannot find a chance to breathe, what more speak. *blink*)

bubbling femme: (gritting her teeth) No.., blablablablabla.

muse : we are only letting you know, blablabalbala not blaming you blablablabla voicing
blab-

tiny tot : i dont know lar. no more next time. im not gonna organize anything again!

(slams hand on table and walk off, pushing blur girl aside, and heads toward her crying cubicle)

bubbling femme: ARRGGHH!! and it's just a petty matter!!!

(runs after tiny tot)

muse : . . . .

many many minutes later, after SEVERAL accusations, PLENTIFUL of denials, MILLIONS more of questions, all unanswered, tiny tot with a swift change of wind, forgives pissed girl. muse, who went to fetch pissed girl to the crying cubicle to settle problem, startled at the ease of forgiving a person you just asked to f*** off...FIVE minutes ago. "wau" is the word.

Finale : when at fault, we admit. when we are not, we forgive. thank you. *bows out*

-END-

pluie

2005-04-03T21:39:00.000+08:00

summoned at five. i visited my ancestral tomb. it was a slow sunrise.

slept at two. summoned at three. was asked to go bowling. it was drizzling and it felt like home in bed. so i said no.

re-sleep at three ten. re-woke at at three fifteen. she wants to try bowling. groann.. trashed up from bed and get dressed. bowling, here i come! rain drops now the size of grapes.

in the car by four thirty.we talked about yesterday not-suprising-suprise-party. it was pouring then.

reached mcdonald and the oh-so-new bowling alley of taiping. *whoa* i couldn't see the rain from inside.
then we went picnicking in a carpark facing the waterfall eating McD take-aways n had a sockful time.*grins* rain blurred the wind screen

i got bored at six. summoned myself home. i pressed my own doorbell for three minutes. was drenched in rain by then.

when i said pluie, i actually meant rain in french. just a touch of foreign taste

we shook heads

2005-04-03T11:31:00.000+08:00

balloons balloons!
come grab the red and yellow and blue!
perhaps one? perhaps two?
aHh..take one my dear and hideaway,
for the birthday princess is in her carriage to her suprise party,
hide hide ye all
hide frm the melting candles and with the bobbing balloons,
a thousand minutes ahead,
of non existent cakes and dying flames,
we stood in frenzy and tested patience,
oh who shoulder all this fault
for not the chairperson who claimed his job so?
no! no! no!
is that not the princess walking towards us hiding peasants?
gone, gone the suprise....

the obligatory board

2005-04-03T11:29:00.000+08:00

was there ever any specified shapes on how the pineapple shud be cut?
was there any rule on how and where you spend that personal time we often so lack off??
was there ever some one there when you want to rant and rave? just once? and
was there ever crime in being a smartass that you had to stick 'SNOB' on my forehead?

no.
no.
no.
no.

i like my pineapple to be a triangle and be reminded, i'm the one cutting it..
i just want a moment to relish in my dreams and thoughts,
i NEVER complained my life to anyone, and even if i want to, its all about THEM! they spared no time for me
i didnt know i was snobbing your life, perhaps u like me dumber and walk about saying "Yes mom?"

echo. . .

2005-04-03T11:28:00.001+08:00

i was staring at that bruised lips of hers.
doesnt she ever get tired?repeating the same statement. repeating her life sequences. really, is it that fascinating to tell everyone all about yourself?
if i can read you whole, how more interesting can you get? *sigh*
open close open close...and that occasional splatter of saliva...
hrmm,fascinating, those who lives in the sea of attention itself.

*one more word of her shopping list and i think i'll burn her . GrRrr

null and void

2005-04-03T11:28:00.000+08:00

she went without saying goodbye.
already im missing her.
goodbye*

thy elysian fields

2005-03-22T15:26:00.000+08:00

my first encounter with Death,
my first loss of a true friend.
you left in my absence,
already, I misses you.
Goodbye, friend.

once upon a time

2005-03-21T22:49:00.000+08:00

i saw a girl picking up a chocolate dog.
it stared adoringly into her own brown eyes
and today, she saw the dog on the floor,
no longer did it it look up adoringly nor wag its chocolate tail
she lies there, gasping for life itself, fighting for survival.
her heart ached everytime she pants and choked
her tears flow everytime she closes her eyes
i dont want her to go! i dont want her to leave!
her time is not up. stay strong as when i founded you.
stay there as i did for you.

pyramids along the nile...

2005-03-20T00:16:00.000+08:00

see the pyramids along the nile...
perhaps i'm only dreaming
but i thought i saw an angel passed